Stretch Yourself Beyond Your Comfort Zone

I just finished cooking myself some dinner. I made myself an Italian sausage spaghetti and had a nice glass of wine with it. As I get older, I get more excited for the time I have by myself. It's really where I get to focus on me and find out what excites and fuels me right now in my life.

I just started taking hip hop again this past Monday. Let's just say I wasn't having the best day and I was really looking forward to class. It was my first dance class in over six months and I was so intimidated and scared because the class is full of regulars and people with a dance background. I, on the other hand have no background in dance and many times I said to myself, you should just leave or you're embarrassing yourself... but then my higher self kicked in and said NO, shut up and just do it!!  I'm proud to say I didn't quit and here is the lesson I gained from it: WE HAVE to follow our creative impulses in spite of being scared and not be so quick to quit on ourselves because you can end up pleasantly surprising yourself. I've always loved to dance because I LOVE music. The moment music comes on I just want to sing or move my body. I love getting lost in the world of music. In fact, I started playing the guitar and singing more this past week and I didn't let my negative self talk rob me from my joyful experience. I sang my little heart out and was unapologetically myself and I can't tell you how liberating and fulfilling it felt to do that.

I found a quote yesterday that really resonated with me: "Most answers reveal themselves through doing, not thinking." This change in my own thought process is already proving to be so beneficial. I can either sit on the couch or get lost on instagram and start thinking how I wish I could be a better dancer or a better singer or a better actress OR I could actually get out there and practice and fail and then fail better. Get used to taking action even if that means failing. At least you know that you're really trying and in my opinion really living. You can pat yourself on the back for having the courage and willingness to pursue what you are curious about when most people are too afraid to try. I think that's what builds character and gives you confidence, joy, strength and clarity.

This is where I stand today. I am grateful for who I am and who I am becoming and I'm excited to share my continual journey and growth with you.

It's been too long

"Happiness does not come from any outside sources or people. Happiness comes from within."

This is where I'm at in my life. Tonight, I felt the impulse to start a blog and while I was researching blogs, I came across this blog that I started six years ago...SIX years ago, guys!! That's crazy. As I reminisced over where I was at then and who I am now, a wave of sadness washed over me. I had such a zest and appreciation for life. I loved my enthusiasm and fearlessness I had towards the unknown and I so badly yearn for that kind of mentality and energy to awaken again. I know it's within me. I have glimpses of it, but I can't wait to really feel and live my life with that kind of perspective again.

I just started therapy a couple of weeks ago and a lot of old stuff has resurfaced in ways I could never imagine. I'm really excited for what's to come because for the first time in my life, I am really taking care of myself and starting from within. It's funny how I've always read quotes about happiness and how it's an inside job, but those quotes never fully resonated with me until now because NOW,  I am actually putting into practice and experiencing it.

I wish I had kept up with my blogging while I was in Hong Kong, but life and learning how to SURVIVE really took over and here I am now. Boy, was I right in how that trip not only propelled my career but also, allowed for such personal growth. Till this day, thinking about how I made it through my Hong Kong days still gives me strength, comfort and motivation.

I pushed my body to an unhealthy state to satisfy and meet the requirements of my agency in order for me to model. I was told right off the plane that I was "too fat" and that "maybe I retain too much water on flight" I learned what the phrase, "thick skin" meant and learned it fast. They handed me a map book and that's what I solely used to find castings because back then, there was no iPhone. Every week I went into the agency and was measured from the ankle up. Although, I lost weight and took off a couple inches it wasn't good enough and it led me to place of being malnourished and ill. My parents saw me dwindling away over Skype and demanded I come home and I did. With the help of the wonderful friends I made over there, they got me home and if it wasn't for those people around me I don't know where I would be.

When I arrived back in Los Angeles, I was bed ridden for nearly two weeks. I remember my mom crying at my bed side worried that she may loose me, but I came back to life AND life came back to me. After those two weeks, I felt like a NEW woman. The confidence I had coming back to Los Angeles was at an all time high. I knew that if I made it through my hardships in Hong Kong that nothing could stop me in LA and that's where my momentum started. I was living the dream; my dream. I became a full time model and had the opportunity to work with amazingly talented artists.

I'm still modeling here and there, but I'm in a place of transition. I know that I need to express myself because it's what I LOVE doing and it's also very healing to me. As to what form of expression since modeling has slowed down, I am yet to find out. But, I am excited and hopeful that I felt inspired to write tonight and I hope that I continue to blog. However, I am even more encouraged by the fact that I am looking within and doing the inner work. I know that my own happiness and abundance will follow. Good night.

A poem I wrote on my flight to HK..

Music sings comfort to my ears

I should have nothing to fear

 

Passing time

I still cilmb

 

Even though I have moments of doubt

 

I come back to my belief

in something higher than myself

 

that I'm destined to be

Something I don't know

but my fate will show...

Recognize yourself...

So I was taking my ybb class tonight and while I was meditating my teacher made a really great point. It's so easy to be grateful for all the people we have in our life but it can get really difficult to recognize and appreciate yourself. 


Just remembering that people are grateful for me was a really empowering feeling so think about what you have to offer in this world and embrace it! 


 As of tomorrow,  I'll be traveling alone for the first time across the world and will be in a city where I know no one Although it frightens me, I know that it will only help me grow. I spoke to my cousin tonight and he couldn't have said it better..., "It's like hitting two birds with one stone" Meaning that this trip will not only develop my professional career but my personal growth as well =)

A Day of Thanks..

I'm thankful for  a lot of things today; Just to name a few: god, my family, friends, love, my health, my creativity, my freedom, my ability to exercise and dance, the clothes I have on my back, the roof over my head and this feeling of satiation I have =)


I just finished eating dinner with my dad and brother and I feel like the real turkey now!! I cooked the stuffing while my brother took care of the rest. Thank god for him otherwise Denny's would have been next on our list.  The ham came out really well and my stuffing was uhh,... lets just say butter makes things taste a lot better than they should!


Today has been a really good day. I woke up early and rushed to the studio to take a couple of classes and took one of my favorite classes, world beat workout! The teacher is amazing and it's unreal how much energy and happiness she exudes. I want to be like her!  She inspires me to dance and I have been dancing all throughout the day.  I never realized how much of a dancer I am at my core and how happy it makes me. I've finally found something that is so in line with my spirit!


 It's amazing how much life teaches you if you're open to trying new things and putting yourself out there... :)


I have a feeling I'm going to be learning a lot over the next few months... 


Stay tuned!

A little poetry

Fighting
     will ruin our flying
Believing
     will keep us going

Faith
     Don't hate

Wish upon a star
It's not that far

Just be who you are..

What awaits..

So here I am packing for my three month excursion to Hong Kong and I'm beginning to wonder if I can really fit all my stuff into these two large duffel bags that sit besides me.  I have till Saturday to pack and these bags are almost full! ha, this will be one of many challenges to come... 


The highlight of my day was receiving my first real modeling book! I actually feel like a real, professional model now =)


Had lunch with a dear friend of mine and it's always nice catching up with her. Just had dinner with my dad and brother and had my last Japanese meal here =( Fortunately, I savored every bite! We listened to holiday tunes on the radio and I freakin love holiday music and the feeling around the holidays. I'll miss it while I'm away along with the company of my family.


Everything is slowly starting to come together for my trip and although I'm nervous and a little scared, I am also excited for the possibilities that await. Starting Sunday at 12:40 am a new chapter in my life begins...